I just want to be, or at least feel normal. I hate myself, from top to bottom. I hate how I look, I can't even stand seeing my dumb face in the mirror anymore. I feel like sh*t every day. Every time I think that things are going to be better, life punches me in the gut, again and again, until I learn my lesson. I don't know if I'm sick, depressed, or whatever it is that I have, but I know for certain that I have a disease, the most deadly of them all: being alive.

I never went to therapy, and I can't afford it anyway, so I don't know what's wrong with me. It's so bad that it's gotten to the point where I keep imagining ways of dying. Every time I'm near something remotely dangerous I keep thinking how I could die right there, I imagine myself doing it, knowing that the voice, my voice, telling me how dumb and worthless I am, would finally stop.

I don't know what's keeping me from doing it, probably lack of courage, but those thoughts don't stop, whatever I do.

I'm lonely even if there are people around me, it feels like I'm invisible. I just wish someone would finally notice me, I would like to feel how is it like to feel loved. Maybe then I could finally love myself.



This post will probably go unnoticed, but I just wanted to get this off my chest, stuff that I can't say out loud.