Everyone's advice for my social anxiety is that I should stop being concerned with other people's reactions and remember that people are probably not judging me as much as I think. But I dont think they really understand what I experience (which is understandable, because how could they), because I see how a lot of people react to me.

I'm a pretty shy person right now, but truely I really like to be around people. It's just gotten harder because I've developed really bad social anxiety over the years. Today I was trying to use a desk for something and I felt like such an inconvenience because I kept telling people I needed it (which I did, I just felt so bad for taking up space), which made them go sit somewhere else. A girl just sat down right where I was working, and she slowly started pushing my stuff to the side. I decided to stand up for myself and I told her I needed that space, she didnt really listen to me and I wasnt sure why she just ignored me like that. She just looked at me like and idiot and nodded slowly, but didnt move. I ended up just sitting there awkwardly trying my best to work with the space I had because there was no where else to go.
Later I decided to get coffee, and there's a barista there where I go which I always hope doesnt take my order because she seems to be really cold towards me, and i cant even figure out why. I see her be really cheery with everyone else and then I come up and her mood immediately shifts. I've been trying to figure out what I might have done in the past to upset her. I dont think I've ever complained about anything at that coffee shop.

I used to be a really sociable and confident kid, but over the years people started to pick on me more and more for the things that made me different, but also because I know I was really annoying and unlikable to a lot of people as a kid. Now I barely talk at all, and I'm constantly afraid that I didnt grow out of that and somehow it keeps showing through when I talk to people. I'm just sick and tired of being who I am. I want to be able to just talk to people without my heart beating out of my chest, I want to be able to smile and make others feel like I enjoy being with them instead of making them feel uncomfortable. I used to love joking around with people and now I cant without making things awkward. I want to stop overthinking things. I wish I were a more likeable person. I'm also so lonely where I am, I havent been able to make any friends for three years and its killing me inside. Before that when things weren't so bad I had big groups of friends I would always hang out with, but now I have no one. It's been really badly affecting my mental health because I'm not even an introvert - being around people will usually give me energy, at least when I wasnt terrified of talking to them.

I've tried so hard to meet new people and let them in. I'm starting to think that trying is not my problem, because I know how hard I've tried. I think my problem is that I'm just not a very likeable person. I really dont want to start believing that because I know it wont help me, but that's just where my mind has started shifting to because I dont know what else to think at this point.