I've never really told anyone this story...but I feel like I should. Since I was nine, I've wanted to commit suicide. It sounds crazy, but I couldn't handle the trauma I had from abuse. Right now, those thoughts have simmered down, due to therapy and medicine, but the still come pretty often.

Around ten, I cut myself pretty often - soon people started to realize, so I stopped. Then out of urge, I found another way to harm myself. I had and still have severe ADHD, so I constantly couldn't stop fidgeting with objects. During church, I wasn't allowed to bring any fidget toys, or anything like that; because they could "cause a disturbance." So, I would pick at my hangnails, and rip strings out of my dresses, My mother soon started to realize and so I came up with my own little fidget toy.

Two hair ties. I knotted two hair ties together and made my own self harming tool, disguised as a fidget toy. I would, of course, fiddle with the hair ties, but I also hurt myself. I found put the two hair ties around my wrists like handcuffs and on on hand, or the other, I picked the hair tie and high as I could...and dropped it. Doing this basically blistered my skin, and usually made me bleed. I probably striked my hand with the hair tie 5 times a second, and I did it at church, dinner, on walks, and even at school. No one ever knew I was self-harming.

After 5 years of secretly harming myself, I finally got some help. I told this story to my brother, and he brought me to a therapist. Then, at the age of 15 I was diagnosed with Bipolar, Dementia, PTSD, Schizophrenia, and worst of all, BPD.

3 years went by with my therapy, and I started to get morbid thoughts. Explaining them now would be way to hard. I'll just say they were demonic and murderous thoughts. My therapist moved me to a better psychiatrist and that psychiatrist said It's best if I to move to a mental asylum. So I did. From ages, 18 to about 22, I was in a mental hospital program. I don't remember much from the hospital... but now 5 years after constant, intense therapy and hospitality...Im doing great.

Once in a while, I get flashbacks, voices in my head, and intense behavior - but now I'm studying psychiatry in college - and I'm soon to be married.