My ex-girlfriend and I of two years (who is also my best friend in the entire world), broke up with me in August of 2018. It hurt a lot, but despite that, I had made a lot of growth on my own.

She befriended this guy in October, but they’re no longer friends. During that period of time up until the new year, we didn’t talk. I decided it be best I distance myself from her if she was going to have a relationship, especially so soon. My heart just couldn’t handle it. I remember, before I decided to leave; that if she ever got into a relationship to tell me, so I could keep a distance because my heart would probably not be able to handle it. Well it turns out that the guy she was friends with was just her friend, she said she had tried to like him, but couldn’t, and was over that right away but wanted to continue her friendship with him. She told me she was still in love with me and wouldn’t get into a relationship with him even if she wanted to.

After our long course of not talking, we were so happy to finally be close and it felt like things were falling into place. We weren’t dating or anything like that, we were just happy to be back together and smiling. Her mom, and sister both called me to tell me they were happy to see me around again. It was great, after your ex girlfriend (who you still love deeply) tells you she’s not interested in the guy you really thought had won her heart, and that she’s still in love with you. You kind of feel like there’s not much to worry about. It elevated me and made me feel like I didn’t even have to worry about the fact that we weren’t together anymore, because our friendship alone is the true foundation to everything.

It was like maybe a month before things took a turn. This other guy who had liked who around the same time we started dating resurfaced, and it was honestly the worst.

I can’t stand this guy because after she had cut him off, he was an uttermost dick to her over not liking him back. She cried in my arms about how mean he was and how she didn’t wanna go back into the same room as him.

Fast forward two years, and here he is firing up a conversation with me. Only to face his attention towards her and flirt with her the whole time. When I asked her about it she told me she did think it was weird the way he talked, but didn’t think he felt any kind of way for her. After losing my best friend to some guy the first time, I couldn’t really handle much of my emotions and ended up asking her if this was going to happen again, if she was going to abandon me again. That’s when she told me, she had me calm down and she said “you know I love you more than anyone in this entire world”.

I didn’t ask her much about him after a while, because I figured she wasn’t really making much of an effort to talk to him. It turns out, however, that they went out. That time is the only time I officially know, but she says that it wasn’t a date. I guess we kinda got over it and kept our friendship going because she said she wasn’t dating him and got upset with me whenever I asked if she was.

It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that my friend texted me telling me he saw the guys phone, and he had my ex-girlfriends name saved with a heart next to it. Which sounds kind of childish of anyone to notice, but come on who doesn’t use emojis. Anyways, that made me sad, but it still couldn’t prove that they were anything at all. Until a friend of hers told me that they had a thing. She told me that my ex had told her she didn’t want to get attached to him because he’d be leaving the first of June.

I was heartbroken, I still am heartbroken. I know it’s not much to say because I was very vague in sake of keeping this post short, because believe me if I could write a book on this, I would. I was heartbroken because during the time we were friends, we both knew we had feelings for each other and we just couldn’t act on them because she said that even though she wants to be with me more than anyone else in the world, it will come naturally if it is meant to be.

How come if these past couple of weeks she’s had a thing with him. But these past couple of days she’s been holding my hand, caressing my face, telling me she loves me. Not even just that, but we’ve been running errands together, I went to her mothers birthday party full of her family members and we spent the whole day together. Before anyone got there, we walked the dog, and then went out to grab some food. There’s nothing better than driving while the person you’re madly in love with is sitting in your passenger seat. But it’s not even infatuation, it’s not lust, I genuinely feel that when we are together running errands, grabbing food, picking up pizzas for the family party, running to the grocery store to buy coffee. I feel like I could do this with her, for the rest of my life. I feel like there is absolutely no one in the world who I would rather grow old with. I feel like I don’t ever wanna hold the hand of another because no one’s would ever compare to the softness and comfort of hers. I know I can’t speak for her, but someone out there has to hear me when I say that I am almost positive the feeling is mutual. I can see it in her eyes, I can feel it in her touch, I can hear it in her voice when she tells me she loves me.

Why is she with him? Is it because she wants to get over me? Does she not love me anymore after only a couple of months of spending more time with him? Is she scared of what is to come if we actually give our relationship another go and we don’t end up being meant to be? Is she in love with him already? Why him? Should I move on? Should I tell her how I feel?

We currently aren’t talking because it was too much for me to handle. The thought of her possibly kissing someone else, doing things with someone else, loving someone else. It all brings me to my knees. I cried all day yesterday after I told her I couldn’t talk to her anymore, and I’ve been crying anytime I think about it. I wake up, aching, as though I’ve been cheated on, but we aren’t together. So that is clearly not the case. Is it the end for us?

If you read this far, thank you so much, I could really use a friend and some advice. I feel so alone. Much love to everyone.