Heya. I'm confused and hopeless.

So I'm 20 going 21. I got bullied a lot in school and this gave me to depression since middle school.

I have ADHD and I'm on the spectrum. I got diagnosed last year but I knew something was off cause I was socially awkward and people would treat me like I'm mentally disabled or like I'm their pet..

One issue is that I have no common sense and I get bizarre thoughts.

Secondly, consequences of actions are unknown to me. For example, I got teased for my teeth and I stopped brushing them cause I thought if they rot , the dentist could pull them out and give me pretty straight ones. I came up with it cause my mom had false teeth put in her youth because back then they didn't know about hygiene.. When I turned 17, I started getting loads of cavities and I realized how stupid I was for thinking like that.


Plus, I self sabotaged every time someone treated me like crap. Like, I got expelled and got bad grades on purpose as a self punishment cause I thought I was an awful person and I deserved it. People who bullied me were jealous or depressed, but I only realised it after I got into therapy because I can't pick up social cues and people's intentions.


And lastly I hate myself cause I should have studied more and that if I had just stuck into learning programming, foreign languages and math, I'd have been able to have a good future and possibly have the chance go abroad cause I live in a poor country. I was only like 13 so I had my whole life ahead of me, I could have tried being a good student and achieve things. But no, I gave up like an idiot and self sabotaged. I had huge amounts of self hate because I was bullied and rejected.

At the moment I am studying in a field for extroverts cause I entered undiagnosed and unaware that my social awkwardness was due to a condition. I thought I could become social but I dont want to pressure myself to go to a field that will not suit my abilities. So I thought of going into Computer Science, like I should have from the beginning.

I feel like I've ruined my life because I'm dumb and illogical, I can't set goals or solve my problems.

It's like I'm doing random things that my random thoughts tell me. It's very annoying and I constantly question myself if I have mentally grown up past the age of 3..

At the same time I forgive myself cause I didn't have the support needed but I felt like I could do better.