I am so goddamn restless. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels okay anymore. I haven't self-harmed in a few days, but I've been eating way too much and I can't get normal, good, restful sleep. I passed out on the phone at 8 PM, feeling the lowest I had in about a week. Then I woke up at 1:15. It's now almost 3 AM and I still can't sleep. It's not that it's never been this bad. I've never been able to sleep "normally." But right now it's been so much worse and I'm so tired of not being able to get a break. Sitting in bed and tossing and turning is my hell, lately. I am so fucking tired. I'm tired of not being able to sleep, I'm tired of feeling so shitty. I'm tired, my mental state is a ticking time bomb. One minute it's fine, then boom, I'm feeling so, so, incredibly low. Sometimes it's the smallest thing that triggers it, and sometimes nothing brings it on. I don't know which is worse. I keep beating myself up over so much shit.
"If you'd just change this..."
"If you were different then this would be different"
"You're unhappy and it's all your fault"
"Your therapist is right, you're to blame, all of this is your choice"


I just need a break. It's exhausting. I want to cry. I just want to cry. But it feels like I have nobody to go to. It's not like I need someone for the attention or the validation, but everyone around me tries to give me solutions or doesn't take me seriously, or adds to all the shit and says it's my fault. Sometimes I just want to go to someone I care about, someone that cares about me, and just fucking vent about things and receive comfort. I don't think I can remember more than 2 occasions that my mom ever held me and comforted me when I was feeling like shit. My dad's never done it. My brother was there for me with that shit here and there but more often than not, he's one of those that's always trying to fix me. It's always followed by advice and options. Maybe I don't want options! Maybe I just want to fucking cry and hear that you're here for me. Sometimes I just want to complain and know that you can hear me.


It's not a matter of feeling unloved, or unlovable. I feel like I'm not receiving what I need. Sure, everyone needs tough love, everyone needs advice, everyone needs options, everyone needs that here and there. But that's all I get. And the worst part is that while I type all this, part of me just feels that I'm being too whiny. That I'm just picky and choosy and can't make up my mind or settle for what I get. I feel like I'm just not capable of receiving love and I don't know why. It's an exhausting cycle.


I don't feel loved because I don't receive it. I don't receive it because I don't know how to. I don't know how to because I have no experience with it. I have no experience with it because it scares me so I push it away.
It's an exhausting cycle that I just don't know how to break. So I just isolate myself. No feelings, no emotions, nothing of the sort. Because that means vulnerability, and vulnerability means getting hurt. I can't get hurt more. I don't want to. So I don't even invite the opportunity for it to happen. I'd much rather feel alone with shallow relationships all around me than feel vulnerable with a few people close to me. I also just don't want to be annoying and chase someone off. Another thing I always think about is that other people have feelings, other people can say or do whatever they want. I tell myself "It's not their fault if I overthink that. I can't be mad about it. Just because they said that they have nobody they want to hang out with doesn't mean that they hate you." But it never seems to work, because although I know that, I don't feel that.
I just feel like shit, but I'm trying to do better. I am. I'm tired and I feel alone and lost and I still feel like shit. I wish this would just end already.


I feel like nobody is going to read this or care about any of it. I don't know why I decided to write it up. It's 3 in the morning and I'm talking to myself. I might delete it later, I might keep it up. Who knows, maybe it'll help someone else.