Let me start by saying that I don't want to offend any proud bisexual or homosexual communities. I'm all for that, and I'm very happy for all of you who are successful being yourself, but I'm not, and it sucks.

I have a girlfriend, I absolutely love her. I want to be with her, I want to travel and see the world with her. Hell, I moved away from my country just for her, abandoned all my friends and family for her and I don't regret it and most likely never will. She is beautiful, she is the best person I know.

She has known that I was bisexual even before we started dating. Our relationship has mostly been smooth sailing because when I'm with her, I can only think of her. The problem arises when we are apart for 2-3 weeks.

Before her, I was never sexually or romantically involved with a guy. Mostly because I'm not a "one-night stand with a random person" kind of guy, and I was too afraid to even approach men with sexual intentions.

Some years ago, I ended up sleeping in the same bed with a "straight" (guy) friend (mutual friend actually). Nothing new, I've slept with friends before. This time it was different and it got pretty heated up. There was some teasing from his part and from mine and I couldn't resist it. I wanted to try it with a guy, for the first time in my life. I needed to know what it felt like, it was a golden opportunity. Penetration didn't happen, but some other things did. I instantly panicked as soon as it finished, I had betrayed my love, and the worst of all is that I honestly didn't feel I had betrayed her, I still love her, I don't love the person I was just involved with, and the only reason I did this was because, as perfect as my girlfriend might be, she can't give me what I had that night.

I told her everything the same day, with as much details as possible. She was obviously shocked and it took a couple of days for it to sink in, but in the end she was very comprehensive and I feel it only improved our relationship. She didn't feel betrayed.

Needless to say that this was bound to happen again. The following 2 times were done always with her consent, I didn't want to risk anything else anymore, but I still felt the need to explore the 'homosexual' part of me. I felt like I was in the best position possible, I could be with the person I love AND explore a part of my sexuality with a friend for whom I don't feel any romantic attraction at all.

Fast forward to very recently, once again this year we were 2-3 weeks apart, it happened again, but this time it hit her harder than 'usual'. The feeling of 'sharing' me and not being exclusive is taking her down, and I honestly am running out of options. I can just stop doing whatever I do with our friend, but this will not 'erase' the bisexuality out of me. She will keep not being exclusive since I will still think of guys, I will still be attracted to more than her and my intentions of exploring this part of me will keep existing. I could just force myself to not do it, but that would honestly take me down instead, since in the end, I feel like I'm being punished for being bisexual. Why can't I just be 100% sexually happy with the girl I love?

Even if I stop doing all of this, she will still be depressed because she will feel that she is oppressing me and my sexuality, she will feel that she is 'forbidding' me of exploring myself when so far there were no drawbacks to our relationship when this happened previously. And I will feel that too, as much as I love her, I will feel that I'm sacrificing a big part of me. I know she is worth it, but it will take a heavy toll on me sexually. To feel that I will never have the 'other side' again.

This situation sucks, I'm just happy that we're being 100% honest and transparent with each other, but I don't see a way out of this that will be amazing for both sides.

How can I be less 'greedy' and just be perfectly happy with her? Why couldn't I just be a normal straight guy? Life feels so much easier in that side.