And its so weird... In the first 30 minutes after i met her, I already knew there was something special about this girl. Some sort of connection I've never felt before, that just keeps calling me to spend more time with her. And its not like i been meeting a lot of people recently. I'm part of a group thats trying to integrate freshman that come from far away from her homes. I'm 23, shes 19 and thats how we met.
We became friends super quickly. Scary the amount of things we have in common. We've shared some of our best and worst life experiences and have had some deep talks that have spanned from nearly 1am to 6am at her doorstep... And during our deep talks, shes mentioned that she felt some sort of connection too. I wanted to tell her the feeling was mutual, but i just couldn't. I can't. In a way i know im falling for her, but i don't want to be the asshat comes in between a relationship... But I also have this looming hope that they'll eventually break up due to the long distance. I dont want this hope here, I know its wrong and I shouldn't do this. But I just can't get away from it. Maybe because it means there is a chance of being with her without coming in between their relationship but also because I really value her presence and friendship and I don't want to destroy it.


So alas... She has a boyfriend... She barely talks about him, but through some light twitter stalking, i know they've been in a relationship for at least a year and an half, and have started long distance since she went to college this September. Today I got curious and decided to go check out her twitter again. And thats when my feelings just started blending together, swirling inside my head and begging to come out. All because of one simple tweet that read: ''This weekend was so good''. But i just cant talk about this with anyone...


During our talks she told me that she has anxiety from being away from her family and friends. So in a way, I was feeling really happy for her, she deserves to have a good weekend in the company of the one she cares about, and i want her to feel happy. But then the sudden realization that her BF was probably there too hit me. I started to feel unjustifiably bitter. Jealous even... And its jealousy I know I have know right to feel, because if anything I know I'm the scumbag here...


Anyways, tomorrow I'll see her again. I'll just pretend like nothings happening and keep being her friend, no matter how much it may hurt. Because i truly want her and all the other freshman that came here to feel good in college.