Most people view me as a good person. I’ve been told that I’m sweet, funny, and polite. I have lots of friends, and I try to be as nice as I can to people. However, unbeknownst to most people, I’ve done some fucked up shit that I’m just beginning to come to terms with. Although I’ve never hurt anyone directly (physically or emotionally), I’ve said and done a lot of stuff that could’ve had awful consequences, and I my guilt and shame has become unbearable. I thought it might be good to get it off my chest, so here’s all the horrible things I’ve ever done:

1. I used to browse 4chan as a teen, which, in retrospect seriously warped my mind (although, maybe that’s just what I’m telling myself to rationalize my disgusting behavior). It started off as lurking /b/ out of morbid curiously, which eventually transitioned to /pol/. I always assumed it was mostly tongue-in-cheek (I’m not so sure looking back, tbh), so I would participate in the memes. I never believed any of the Jewish-conspiracy stuff (it honestly never made sense to me), but I did end up believing that there are genetic differences between races (which I now know to be hogwash). I remember posting something *extremely* vile once, that involved violence against minorities. I’m not sure why I did it, because I felt very strange afterwards and never posted anything like it again. Maybe I did it for shock value, maybe because I had to opportunity to say something I never could in real life, I don’t know for certain. I truly didn’t believe what I said, and I know that’s something someone would say to try and cover their tracks, but I would never think to say something so hurtful in real life, especially because I had friends of all races and ethnic backgrounds. Still though, this doesn’t excuse what I said, and no normal person would *ever* think to say something like this, even if it was for shock value.
2. I voted for Donald Trump in the primaries. I did it because I was an edgy 18-year-old who thought Trump was hilarious. Looking back, I wish I could punch my former self in the jaw for making a joke out of democracy. I remember hesitating at the ballot, wondering if I’d make the right choice or vote for a meme. I never expected him to win, but this doesn’t excuse my behavior. I honestly want to vomit thinking about it.
3. I posted a nude picture a girl had sent me on 4chan. Miraculously, the thread expired right as I posted it, so no one could’ve seen it (I tineyed the photo, and it doesn’t appear anywhere online). The girl *did* tell me that she was an “exhibitionist” and “okay with me showing people,” but I seriously doubt she would be okay with me posting her photo on an image-board full of fucking creeps and weirdos. I can only imagine how she would react if she knew (or anyone, for that matter).
4. A girl at a party once showed me a bunch of nude pictures of her on her phone. I proceeded to send one to myself and then delete the messages.
5. My friends and I shared nude photos we’d received in a groupchat, which totally violated the trust of all these girls that intended for them to be private.
6. I was really creepy to a girl at a party. Everyone else had gone to bed, and she proceeded to kiss me. I asked if she wanted to come back to my room, to which she declined. She passed out, so I tried waking her up again because I wanted to continue making out, and she woke up briefly and proceeded to pass out again. I woke her up again, at which point I realized what the fuck I was doing (we were both very drunk, not an excuse on my part), I got a blanket and covered her up before going to sleep. I never touched her or did anything sexual without her consent, but this behavior is extremely rapey and it makes me fucking sick thinking about it. We’re still good friends (she never mentioned the night), but I still feel like a monster for not leaving when she passed out the first time. This was the only time anything like this has ever happened.

That’s basically it. I’m aware I’m a horrible person, and the shame and guilt from all these events haunt me every waking moment. I haven’t done anything like this for several years (this all happened from ages 17-20), but I still feel like a piece of human garbage. I’ve been trying my hardest to move on and be the best person I can be, but I’m still bogged down from these awful memories, and it’s starting to make me think dark thoughts about myself (whether I deserve to be happy or even to live). I never thought of myself as the bad guy, but I realized recently that maybe I am.