Im so fucked up its not even funny. 3 months 2 weeks and 4 days ago I killed my friend. It was an accident I know it was but it doesn't stop me from wishing that it was me who died instead. I was on my way to school I was taking a new way I had never taken it before and I had my two best friends in the car. It was foggy out and I didn't see a stop sign before it was to late. I remember thinking ok I can just turn around in the next drive way but I never got that far. I saw headlights on the right side of me and I remember getting thrown around thinking I could die right now. When we stopped my friend who was it he front seat said the car was smoking and we needed to get out. We looked every where for my friend who was in the back seat but we couldn't find him. We had to climb out of the back seat because my car was on its side and the passengers door was smashed in. When we saw my friend laying in the grass so far away we jumped and ran but it wasn't him who died. When I made sure my friend was ok I went to go see the other car, I would have recognized it anywhere. I ran as fast as I could she was crushed by the dash and her twin was screaming at the top of her lungs. She was still alive at the time screaming too. When I got to the hospital a body arrived they thought it was someone from my car but I knew it was her I knew it. They made my boyfriend identify her body and I cried my eyes out I killed her. I still remember our last conversation it was so dumb it was about her north face. I still doesn't feel real sometimes and I smile and laugh and pretend to be happy but I'm not. Befor I used to do drugs and drink for fun i mean I had a lot of problems then too but nothing that I hadn't been able to deal with, now I do it to make it go away to feel normal to feel happy I put my emotions in a box and hide them I'm good at it I've always been but it hurts so much that I feel like I can't breath sometimes and I don't find myself wishing that it wasn't me. I want it to be so bad I want to give her twin her sister back her mom her daughter back I want to give my friend her life back but I can't and it's killing me inside"